fox den

Hello everyone.

I've decided to temporarily leave PB. I don't think I am able to continue being a member right now. Neither do I feel welcome, nor do I feel any attachment to PB anymore. Looking at it has become - as sadly as it is - a pain.

I admit I'm being too ambitious and pushy, but seeing PB not getting anything done (starting with all the projects that got lost because iEtherpad went down) has become such a source of annoyance, I feel my time's wasted here.

Originally, I planned to give PB time until my new semester would start (October). If PB'd release stuff by then, I'd temporarily stay in this group. (Maybe PB'd make me feel welcome again? I don't know.) But lately, I just think that everything around me is a load.

I am a terrible person, can't get anything done myself and love to boss around, criticising everyone while gushing around. Uni, life, work, I'm falling into depression and recently I'm back to hugnering and not drinking anything again. (I'm just not hungry, dude, can't help it.)

Neither do I believe that I'll continue to sing much longer. My throat's not getting any better and everytime I come home from uni, I just try to bite back my tears while suffocating myself with stuff that'll make the pain go away.

The lack of skill and anything else I have done so far are making me feel so heavy. I don't believe I can get anything done anymore. I'm done with life.

But back to PB: even if I recorded stuff, I don't believe any project would come out within 5 months. As nasty as I may sound now, I don't think I can stay a member with this attitude of mine. Stressed, tired out, having no fun, I'd just be a big party bummer for PB, thinking that PB of which I used to be so proud has decayed.

Anyways, I wish you all the best. Guys, I honestly love you, but just right now I can't see myself capable of being an active and contributive person without falling into a rage of madness or depression. Handling FP has pushed me sort of to my limit, and I don't want to skip any more uni days for an online singing group.

I'm failing my exams, losing sleep, hating on life and raging on people, only because I can't get my attention away from Skype and the people there. I keep staring on the screen, being all nervous, trying to control the project - and if something doesn't go right, I am desperate and try to react immediately.

I feel so lost. I had exams at the end of this semester last week until today. I decided to uninstall Skype so I would be able to study more. It certainly became better with studying, I still feel so lonely and lost. Skype and Twitter didn't help me gain friends, they also made me so much more lonely and lost.

Where do I go? Where do I get help? I don't know, I just keep lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling not knowing what to do so stuff works out.

To cut a long story short: I'm trying to fix my life and stop harming myself, so I can't be a member of PB at the moment. I'm really, really sorry for worrying you all. I'll try to fix it as soon as possible.

The more I worry you, the worse I feel. The problem isn't with you, it's with me, who's just a failure. I love you, guys.